Penthouse View

This is a tough one. Maybe it’s not for you at all, but I feel like I need to write for what Joshua 4 refers to as a stone of remembrance. An altar. This is one of those times where you know…your view has just fundamentally changed.

So in that, I’m not simply trying to convey the usual ideas or encouragements: I’m writing for posterity sake. I need to put it all down while it’s still fresh and raw…emotions and all. I’m so wrecked right now.

I grew up in churches where speculations…or rather, suspicions ran high. If the pastor had a nicer car, of course he was misappropriating funds from people living paycheck to paycheck. Also, it probably should’ve been someone’s job to notify “testifiers” that they'd gone on enough about being blessed and highly favored. Yes, I know how judgmental this sounds. I don’t feel that way anymore, but that’s really how it was when I was much younger. When I think about that reality, it helps me understand why some people perceive God in distorted ways: as if ‘imitating’ God is best expressed in living well and being above it all. Like He’s just up in Heaven looking down. Strutting around heaven in vain magnificence. Looking only to zap people with either blessings or curses.

Then I grew up. At some point, you just get a little older and hopefully wiser. You see where your uninformed opinions fail miserably, and you also see where some thoughts have merit. It’s obvious that some pastors DO misappropriate money to fund extravagant lifestyles. It’s also true that if people are honest, ‘blessed and highly favored’ is a great place to be but we also ALL experience pain and sufferings that should be neither overly sensationalized nor disregarded altogether.

And absolutely, getting those invaluable glimpses of God through unexpected circumstances helps you see that He’s not just leaning against the windows of Heaven, enjoying a penthouse view.

So, enough with the preface, here’s what happened:

I had a thought last week about taking an opportunity to be generous. I remember growing up with very little (monetarily speaking), and I wondered about the kids at my son’s school and the meal program.

So I called. I called the school and talked to the meal program manager and explained what I wanted to do – to identify the kids who had the most need. Not the highest balance, but those in situations of poverty where even if the amount was small, it was unlikely that they had, or would ever have the means to take care of it.
Of course, he was surprised and thankful and all of that. I expected the response but I wasn’t looking to have my ego stroked. I knew at the end of all of this, there would be a small bit of relief for students in desperate situations. Now mind you, I was in a giving spirit and it was well enough for me that I thought I would just write a check and they would figure out how best to disperse the funds – That would’ve been fine, but that’s not how it played out. The program manager, let’s call him Mr. Eric, said that it was best to pay with cash. No problem. So I go to the school expecting to drop off money (instead of a check) and then it starts. He had prepared 3 lists of kids. ALL of them in different situations, but ALL of them owe. My mind is still trying to make this a quick transaction so I’m like “Here’s a list with the total contribution I had in mind, can we just…”

Mr. Eric starts explaining each list. He tells me about kids who received lunch while waiting for their paperwork to be processed and all of that… I’ll spare you each detail. Suffice it to say, this wasn’t going to be quick. Eventually, we get to the idea of the kids with the greatest need and we put checks by their names. The highest balances (over 5 dollars), with the least likely ability to pay.

With modified lists in hand, off we go to the registers. He has to type in the PIN # for each kid to bring up their account. As each account displays, there’s also a picture. Now it’s real. Now it’s hitting my heart. These kids walk these halls each day with these smiling faces…hiding a secret…a debt they can’t pay. My mind is racing, relating what I thought, rather, what I wanted to be “less” significant, into relationships between the practicality of this situation and the predicament that we're all born into: We're ALL born into a spiritual debt…a debt we can’t pay. Yet we hide behind smiles and superficiality trying to not look "needy".
It continues. We decided it would be most helpful to pay the round numbers – the dollar amount and let the kids handle the change themselves. See that? Our debt has truly been paid, but WE have to handle the CHANGE.

Now I’m holding back tears and we’re just getting started. More faces, more names, more paying. Now I see God. NOT enjoying a penthouse view but having such a heart of mercy and generosity to engage Himself at each face and each account…paying each one personally. Not for just one school, but for all humanity for all history.
You'd think that THIS would be enough of an unexpected lesson to rejoice in for the rest of the day, right? Right.

It all comes crashing in when my thoughts go to...My son. My son goes to this school. He walks up and down these halls everyday with THESE kids.
Do they even know him? Are they nice to him? Are they jerks to him?
Too many tears to hold back. It's not disruptive, just a quiet, somber weeping. I put my head down and just keep giving the money. To clarify that I get it, I know I'm not God, my son is not THE SON. I fully receive that when in Jesus' parable in Matthew 7:11, He says "if you then, being evil know how to give good..." I know amongst us fallen humans, we may consider ourselves as something better than evil, but in comparison to God, we're evil. So in that, I know I’m getting just a smidgen of God and the level of HIS sacrifice in giving us His Son – We walk these halls everyday. Do we know Him? are we jerks to Him? I think back - Is there even a penthouse view in Heaven at all?
With all He’s paid and all that’s happened to His son, Heaven is now looking quite different to me.

We finally get to the last student that I knew we could contribute to and I’m exhausted. Of course not in a way where I’m regretting the idea of giving. That’s fine, and I’m satisfied in a “mission accomplished” kind of way.
I’m exhausted of the wrenching barrage of thoughts and considerations hitting my mind and the weight of the spiritual lessons I’m being overcome by. So the last person’s account pops up and it was one of the most in terms of amount. I didn’t have enough to pay off the account but when I saw the pic, I couldn’t stop there. I went back to the car and got enough to pay it almost in full. I’d paid more than I expected to. Whew!
Okay God, You don't only have my attention, You have my affection. In a small way, at a small school, in a small town…I get it. In a way that's been shrunk down for my finite mind to grasp, even though I'm overwhelmed by my inability to fully "see" it, I’ve gotten a small but powerful glimpse of your GREAT love for us and Your desire to handle our greatest need.

Here’s The Word:

Matthew 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ-

I obviously grew up with a pharisaical take on some of the things I saw in church. A 'showy' display of Christianity as it relates to panache and prosperity. Now that I'm older: I see differently, I think differently and I desire differently. I'm also well comforted in the fact of what comes next.
Eternity will be unmatched in splendor and unimpeded, tearless enjoyment. It's just that we're not there yet and the law of Christ is not a pursuit of trouble-free paradise. Its directly tied to the needs of the here and now and learning His heart through giving, bearing, striving and serving shouldn't be resisted. I'm thankful for being exposed to the Love that God has for us and the magnificence of Who He is in it and His active engagement based on resolve and resolution is valuable beyond measure


In Him,
Cros